Beldar's fanfic
by ContraBardus
Summary: Beldar Conehead writes a fanfic.


Beldar Conehead's Ranma 1/2 story of copyright infringement.  
  
Subsection one, the disclaimer.  
  
The fictional persons within this fic are the property of various sub centers of business located on a large pacific island in a geographic location known as Asia. The carbon-based life form performing the narration of this fictional work of literature does not own any right or claim upon ownership of said fictional characters. However, should this fictional work be duplicated by any other person, and claimed as their own fictional work. Then the carbon-based life form that originally created the fictional work does have the right to take legal action against the offender. At which time the offender shall be vaporized, as per the statutes of the Morlak code within the Book of Grand Law, subsection thirteen, paragraph three, line forty-two. That is all.  
  
Subsection two, the iteration.  
  
For reasons unknown to me, this information has become embedded within my synaptic chord. I am writing them down with the hope of removing them from my central nervous system so that finding a more peaceful slumber upon my large flat row of springs and plant matter mixed with woven fabric and performing the nightly ritual of rest in such a manner as to satisfy my needs for energy reproduction. Thus my mate will be pleased with my more restful demeanor; this shall lead to more frequent performance of the mating ritual. It is also my hope to bring pleasurable sensations to the nerve receptors of other carbon based life forms with this pattern of ionized light particles projected upon a thick layer of super heated and then shaped sand particles.   
  
Subsection three, the telling of my tale.  
  
The unit designated Ranma Saotome awoke from his large cushion within his chamber. He rose himself from slumber and began his ritual of placing garments made from the discharge of small insects and woven into a tight fabric upon his body. "I shall now go to the facilities designated for grooming and immerse myself in a mixture of hydrogen and oxygen in order to cleanse the odors and build up of earth particles mixed with bodily fluids from my body," he said.  
  
Upon entering the room he found himself gazing upon the naked form of his designated mate. She looked upon him and a large quantity of blood built up within her facial structure causing a more reddened appearance of her cheek muscles.   
  
"I shall now perform the ritual punishment, because you have seen my naked form before Klepthar. It is an embarrassment to our social standing, and a perverse notion within our culture." The female then produced a large bludgeoning object made from the plant fibers of a large species of plant found within the region. With it she struck him upon his cranial cavity in such a way as to propel him out of the bathing chamber and through the supports of the dwelling.   
  
In a laughably impossible performance of physical prowess the male unit was thrown bodily through and then over the reinforced clay slabs used to prevent leakage within the dwelling. He landed within a small decorative pool of hydrogen and oxygen that housed a small aquatic animal native to the region.   
  
As the male unit emerged from his landing, the magical energy forced upon his body changed his form into that of a human female.   
  
"My mate has once again jumped to conclusions about another awkward social interaction between us. I am most displeased."  
  
His parental unit emerged from a large opening within the home used to enter the grounds. "It is time to perform the ritual of practicing our combat maneuvers! This is so our bodies are able to perform the actions in time of attack so that we might better defend ourselves!"  
  
The young human male moved his head in an agreeing gesture and began the ritual.   
  
After several time units had passed, the unit designated Kasumi Tendo emerged from within the home and used her vocal chords in order to signal the beginning of the morning meal. "It is time to consume our early day meal of boiled grain and the charred flesh of aquatic animals.  
  
Both males immediately joined their host units around a large flat surface, on which where various containers of substance.  
  
"My stomach muscles are prepared to consume this meal! I have not consumed nourishment since the late evening meal!" said the Ranma unit.  
  
However, his mate appeared with a large platter of unidentifiable substance. "Ranma, I have labored long over the gas powered heating unit to create this substance for your consumption. Consume mass quantities of it in order to please me."  
  
The Ranma unit looked upon the pile of protein and fiber before him. "I cannot consume this. My stomach muscle is not equipped to properly break down and distribute this substance into my bloodstream."  
  
"You have upset my temper with your refusal to consume mass quantities. I will punish you for such unruly behavior." The female once again produced her large blunt instrument of plant fibers and proceeded to bludgeon her betrothed upon his cranium in an attempt to cause a concussion.  
  
The Ranma unit's nervous system was sending signals of pain into his small and inadequate human brain. "You have caused me to find you unattractive with your unruly temper. Your fat to muscle ratio is not within normal standards."  
  
This verbal assault displeased his mate, causing her to repeat her attack pattern upon him again.  
  
The large mammal took this in with his optical receivers and produced a large flat surface used for the communication of written messages. "My offspring is unworthy of my affection, and ungrateful for all I have done in order to bring him to his adult stage."  
  
Subsection four, the dissertation.  
  
I find myself unable to continue due to my own amusement and the late hour. I shall now retire into my chambers and attempt to hone with my mate. Hopefully she will be receptive and I shall once again find the lack of energy needed to rest myself once again.  
  
If you have enjoyed this fabrication, please fell free to comment to this electronic mail address. I would be most pleased to hear of your opinions about my creative abilities.  
  
C&C to Carrotglace@juno.com  
  



End file.
